all posts, mental health, miscellaneous, parentings/things about baby and kids

late night tangential rants of insomnia

Middle of the night

I tried my hand at cooking.  I won’t say proper cooking because I winged most of it and have no culinary finesse, but I had some successes. Not the intended ones but whatever.

The spur to cook came from starting Susan Herrmann Loomis’ book last night called On Rue Tatin and it reminded me why I keep falling in love with the French language. The provençal love affair with the harvests of their lands feels so wholesome,  so hobbit-y, which is my constantly reoccurring aspiration. So I tried to dabble. I won’t say it was fun but if nothing else, I got a better diversity of vegetables in me than I have in months.

My goal is to learn how the south-of-France French prepare dishes, and then twist the dishes to be inclusive of native seasonal plants growing in my home state. Step two is to prepare to grow some lovelies for ourselves this coming year. And step three is to work towards sustainable harvests and/or local buying. These steps can be simultaneous.

I feel as though every action and thought I take these days is all just a step towards becoming a hobbit because as Tolkien’s (or Peter Jackson’s) character of Bilbo says, “it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.” As I get older, I feel it more and more in my bones, that all I want to so is live a simple life. But defining what that means in a modern era proves to be endlessly frustrating.

I also feel like I have to keep discovering mentally myself because I don’t know myself at all. Pretty clear that I do in fact have some form of OCD given the increase in intensity of certain habits (getting bursts of dopamine from picking my skin of “impurities” when I have severe eczema and doing so instead of sleeping, scrolling back through years of content to start at the beginning of blogs, my aggressive aversion to sticky things touching my hands, my tendency to ruminate on my future “path” ad nauseam to the point that I have notebook after notebook of unfinished plans of what I will do with my life starting since before college.

I definitely also suffer from anxiety, but at a more manageable level, given how often I freak out that my little one will die from my negligence (the newest edition today being that she somehow manages to break her own neck in her carseat while we are driving home). I lose sleep over trying to figure out how to make a successful career and balance being a stay-at-home mom, and also how to not become part of any pyramid schemes.

And given how much happier I am since the move, I fear I did in fact have postpartum depression. It got to the point where trying to muster energy to leave the apartment at all felt like a chore, and really the only time I did it was to take baby to her toddler music class or to drive Jake to work. I didn’t want to cook for myself, I didn’t want to  make plans with others, I didn’t want to do anything really. Which naturally triggered my anxiety for Fi because I knew I was doing her wrong by being a recluse.

Thankfully it seems that era of my life is over. Maybe I needed to be back in a familiar territory. Maybe I needed to be near my parents who know when I need to be dragged out of the house, and/or when I just need help. Who knows. Either way, I’m glad that mental hurdle is lessening, and wish I had caught it earlier.

I think my other issues are that I undervalue any impact my mental health may be having on my actions because I blame everything on my skin, which probably is part of the problem, but at the same time addressing my anxiety and compulsive picking would definitely help the skin heal as well.

Also my other constant struggle is that I still love blogging but I don’t like how it became so trendy. Now I can’t disentangle myself from thinking about my standing in the interwebs, how to get more likes, comments, followers, etc. I don’t want to follow a theme, but man it would be sweet to make a career out of just spewing my thoughts. Dream job? “Yes, yes” (said in the voice of Eric Foreman from That 70s show).

Also I feel like at some point I have to accept that nighttime and sleep don’t work for me. I think I oscillate between 2-5 hours most nights and the causes of disruptions vary. Lately, I stay up because it’s the quiet time when I have the world to myself, so I usually stay up reading. Other times I wake up (or stay up) from anxiety (or recently fear of my new home), and sometimes it’s due to itching or sweating that I wake up/can’t sleep.

Also sometimes I make typos that crack me up. Like robin –> ribib3. I’d blame the autocorrect (because it doesn’t work… or I may have turned it off on my phone) but honestly it’s usually that I don’t care to correct myself anymore if I think my point still got across. This usually applies only to texting. For blog posts I care a lot and will randomly go back and read posts from months ago and find mistakes to fix. But not systematically in a way that actually gets anything done. Oh no. Just randomly here and there.

I feel like Maury the hormone monster is yelling at me, saying “Rage, rage, fucking rage!” But instead replace rage with rant. I bet I’m feeling so ranty because I didn’t get to chat with Jake as much as usual since he’s out of town for tonight for work and apparently I dump most of these thoughts in him or else they spill over into the blog. Oops. So you should all be happy for the dam that is Jake to the diverted water flow that is my mind.

Maybe I should have stuck to google’s blogspot. They didn’t charge for changes like wordpress does. And  I want to change my url all the time. But wordpress looks so clean and pretty and now I’ve got years of posts on it, and I love chronicles. Ugh.

I should drink more water.  That’s not a tangent but just a stand alone thought I have multiple times a day. And yet, I never quite achieve a moderate amount of consumption. Hmm.

The next two paragraphs I had to delete because in my infinite sleep wisdom, I copied and pasted a previous two.

Another OCD tendency: I start a notebook with one thing… say it’s things I need to do. Then after a little while I realize I want to write about something else say books I want to read, but I don’t want to use the same notebook for this new topic. So now I either have to start a new notebook, which seems wasteful and excessive, or rip out the original pages which seems needlessly destructive. Or I share the notebook with both ideas and over time the book becomes a crazy incoherent ranting pile of all kinds of ideas and lists and notes to self.

This is a complete tangent but I just wanted everyone to know that it is possible to breastfeed on demand and still have a baby that sleeps through the night.  Pediatricians I encountered all told me I’d have to at least night wean to get my little one to sleep through the night but they were wrong. Haha!

Andddd I’ve got less than 2 hours before the little one wakes up. Fuck.

Later

Posted much later. I breastfed the baby in bed and put baby shark on repeat to gain me another hour and a half of being horizontal. Life hacks.

all posts, community

eczema representation

Though eczema isn’t the most glamorous of conditions, there is a growing body of representation of people with eczema in various social mediums, which is amazing because the more people that talk about our lives with eczema, the more information, studies, and community are built around it. As I come across more examples, I’ll update this post with the caption NEW.

 

TV SHOWS/MOVIES/DOCUMENTARIES/THEATER

  • One of the most notable now is Peter Moffat’s HBO series, The Night Of, which features the character John Stone, who suffers from aggressive eczema on his feet. Throughout the show we see him try various techniques to manage his eczema including bleach baths, Chinese medicines, airing his feet out, slathering Crisco and wrapping his feet in plastic wrap, UV light, etc.

phzntkc1kw2qbwe(photo source here)

  • (NEW) There is also a theater production called ECZEMA! created by Maria Fusco that embodies eczema in a creative way through writing, plays, music (including a musical backtrack of the sounds of Fusco scratching). There’s an interesting article written about it here.
  • (NEW) Briana Banos, a former performer and aerialist has created a documentary called Preventable: Protecting Our Largest Organ, to educate the medical field all about the horror of life with topical steroid withdrawal, and why topical steroids shouldn’t be so freely prescribed.

 

BOOKS

There are also a handful of personal storytelling books about people’s own experiences with eczema, with the authors all having very diverse backgrounds. For example:

And we’re also seeing a growing movement of children’s books about eczema such as:

  • Camille’s Itchy Twitchy Eczema by Candis Butler
  • I Have Eczema by Jen Greatsinger
  • Emmy’s Eczema (Dinosaur Friends) by Jack Hughes

 

COMICS

These prove a lot harder to find (which is unfortunate because I love webcomics!) but here are the two I stumbled across by Ms. Yoshimi Numajiri, (found on Tommy’s Skin of Rose blog).

 

ECZEMA ENTREPRENEURS

You also see a lot of entrepreneurs, whether they are doing eczema coaching of some sort, or have created a specific product/ product line. A few include:

conqueror-balm-photo-24_1024x1024@2x.jpg(photo source here)

INSTAGRAM

Naturally instagram has become an amazing platform for expression. There you can find awesome people including most of the entrepreneurs mentioned above.:

 

YOUTUBERS

Of course with youtube we have vloggers too- some that focus all on eczema and others that talk about eczema and its effects around the other aspects of their lives.

  • Zainab Danjuma
  • Brookie Beauty
  • Josh Wright – a pianist and piano teacher that made a video talking about his experience with eczema and TSW and what he used/did to get through it. He also made a post about it here.
  • Dr. Nina Ellis-Hervey – she gives advice about her general body care routines, and this particular video shows how she manages her eczema. She also includes how to make a homemade body butter.

 

BLOGGERS

And of course, there are tons of blogs out there made by dedicated individuals who are spreading the word about what living with eczema is like:

 

MODELING

More and more people are also trying to spearhead showcasing diverse bodies, especially in modeling.

  • Missguided – though not eczema-specific, a new part of their #KeepOnBeingYou movement has models showing off their bodies regards of having “imperfect” skin with the #inyourownskin campaign.
  • (NEW) Dove DermaSeries – creating a movement to help women “make peace with dry skin”, Dove specifically selected to have models with all sorts of skin conditions to show better representation of skin conditions and subsequently to help women feel comfortable in their skins

 

So if you are out there feeling like you suffer from a condition that no one gets, or that isn’t really seen in the media, don’t feel alone! There are lots of us out here each expressing ourselves and living with this condition in our own ways, just waiting for you to find us. And many of us are open to people reaching out as well. 🙂